I Just Have To Tell You...

What he says/what his penis means...


Men are like appliances - you need detailed instructions to help figure them out.

At the end of the first date, a man will generally use one of these three basic lines:

1. 'I'll call you.' You will never hear from him again.

2. 'I had a really nice time.' He'll call you next week if nothing more interesting is happening.

3. 'What are you doing tomorrow?' He wants you to know if he can stay over tonight.

'We're seeing each other.' Its down to you and the other woman.

He calls you 'girlfriend'. You've made him breakfast, he fixed your car and his friends are not allowed to come on to you.

'I only had a few beers.' I had more than one and less than 50.

'I really like you.' I think I'm falling in love but if I say that word there's no going back.

'I need some space.' I'm about this close to dumping but I haven't quite worked up the nerve to do it yet.

'I'd love to take you to paris' I really want. Have sex with you

'She's just a friend.' She is/was/hopefully one day soon will be my girlfriend.

'My ex won't stop calling me.' I'm not over my ex.

'It was a mutual thing' (talking about why his last relationship ended). She dumped his sorry ass!!!!!

'We haven't spoken in forever and I've been thinking about you.' I haven't had sex in almost three months (did someone say a 'booty call?')

'This is our third date isn't it?/Is it warm out or just me?/You think its true what they say about oysters?' I. W.A.N.T S.E.X

'You're incredible' (said straight after sex). Hint hint I want you to boast about how much better I was compared to your ex.

'You're incredible' (said any other time). You're incredible...

 Ok so you've followed the rules and he's done too many things off key...

How to make sure he knows you know so he WON'T call again...


1. Tell him about your ex, who left you for your best friend. But he's been trying to win you back ever since... (If he still sticking around) Then...

2. Go on about how much the break up messed you up, and that you even had to go through therapy to get to a 'forgiving place'. (He's still calling?)


3. Mention how your mum is desperate to see you married with children. (If he still aint left town)

4. Let drop how your ex had a restraining order put out on you for stalking (add a disclaimer here that you were just out shopping.) If he's still hanging around...

5. If he still seems interested, its time for drastic measures: tell him that you always follow your horoscopes advice, and that currently it says that you should s celibate for six months to clear out all the 'evil demons'


Guaranteed: he'll be calling the bill before you've finished you main course and ordered desert...

IF THIS STILL DONT WORK YOU NEED TO STAY WELL AWAY FROM THIS ONE! HE SPELLS D.A.N.G.E.R.O.U.S

My mating game! I am actually my own worst enemy! Where are all the alpha males at?!?! I can't be going wrong, its not like... Ahhhh we won't get into that... Anyway, so I'm starting to get a bit fed up of this dating nonsense stuff right, so I decided to have a bit of fun and do a new blog topic 'Men In The City - My Quest To Find The Perfect Man' Yes I've actually decided to blog my journey to finding Mr Right (thats if he exists). So in this chapter I thought I'd layout some... Well some sort of guidelines for my self, unoe Dos and Don'ts. Think of it like a game show, and all the contestants have to go through a phyco analyst ( Well I need to make sure they ain't Mental) a bit like the weakest link, but I'm Ann Robinson...


So I'm fine tuning my radar and making sure I stay well away from these lot, this is my fool proof guide to sizing a guy up in one date. Not that I'm one to take advice from I'm the one looking but anyway...


Freaks

- He says I remind him of his mother. Tempting because he'll watch chick flicks with me, but I'm slowly backing towards the door, carefully turning the handle and running like hell!!!!!

- Confirmed Dudes, Question? Do I really wanna spend my time on a guy that crushes beer cans against his forehead?

- The Prince Charming, so its your first date and he already has made up that he wants to move in with me, get married, have six kids and live in a the country with the horse, goats, sheep and roosters! I'm sorry but I'm gonna be checking that guys passport, visa, I'd card, birth certificate and making he's valid to work in this country, let alone working! Man better be able afford his own place before he starts to try tail bumping mine!

- Any guy who comes my way and trys to claim that he's backed up is a no go, no way jose! He's just interested so he can release and dump his shit on me! No way!

- The Penis enlargers! They are the only sparkly things that will ever come my way, and I can guarantee they will only stay on his neck

- E-Males, no way do I need a guy spilling out his feelings to me on Blackberry Messenger but when its face to face he goes more fridged than the Virgin Mary, great if I need a long distance relationship but not when you live 20mins away...

- Morning Afters, if they look bad when I'm sober they are gonna look even worse when I have a hangover...

- PG Rating lover, probably the greatest thing since sliced bread if it was like what the 1900's? Ok so he gorgeous, good personality all that mumbo jumbo... But I think I need a little more than a partner to watch Will and Grace With...

- Mascara Men, I do not need a guy running at the first sign of emotion! Nuhuh! Nope! Girls! You'll have your period (Yes, I said it! PERIOD!) And he'll be permanently out the door...

- The Man-Boy, the guy loves to do crazy things like whisk me away mid week for a romantic week night or whatever. Excite me with charm and golden leaves and glitter... FOR ABOUT 2 MONTHS! Then ill start to get irritated by his zero responsibility (spot via via stock phrases like 'all righty' and 'you go it', which he uses even when you ask a serious question like, 'Could you get an AIDS test?)

- And let's not forget to mention the man who talks about his Ex-girlfriend - LONGINGLY which makes you pose the question why are you here?.


Creeps

- He asks me to lunch instead of dinner - Taken Vs Not all that interested

- He says, 'I'm not looking to get serious.' TRANSLATION: I want to stop cutting holes out of buy one get one free melons and try the real thing once in a while OTHER TRANSLATION: I want sex. And saying this means he doesn't have to worry about how i feel because, in his mind, he is being truthful.

- When you get together for our first date, he tried to shove his tongue down my throat as a hello peck. Unless you want me to show you how my gag reflexes work and bring up my: salad with vinaigrette dressing and ripe cherry tomatoes, lamb chops with mash potatoes and wilted spinach, and new york cheese cake all over you then I suggest you keep that thing where god put it. Not SEXY!

- Eurocreeps I guarantee you he'll dump me for someone younger and skinnier when I hit 30.

- Deceptionists ( Once he shows his true self - in a bout 3 months - I will: 1. Wonder what I ever had in common with the guy, 2. Get angry that I wasted so much time on him, 3. Waste even more time trying to ferret out about what was lies and what was truth)

- Pig Pecker Man - the more I take care of him, the less interested he will probably be...

- He whines at the crucial moment, 'Do we really need to use a condom? I really hate them!' FAAAAAAAACK OFFFFFFFF!!!!

- Anyone in Prison, Pen Dates - not a good look.

- Tweenies, Yes he maybe a walking chemistry set of sexiness but he still has the mentality of a 13 year old.


Freelancers

- He has trouble ordering an entree at the restaurant (or even picking a restaurant) and figuring out if he wants to walk or take cab. The guy buckles under the weight of making any decision - including whether he wants a full time girlfriend or a casual relationship.

- Male sluts, well the just do it for the sex, no go!



The untouchables


The guys that I say are off limits! OFF LIMITS!!! That's for a one night stand, cheat or anything more than a drink in a public place!

- His Best Friend
- Any close member of his family
- Your boss's significant other
- Your sisters boyfriend
- A casual friend or co workers ex, who wants to be seen as the 'Other Woman'
- A friends fuck buddy
- Your best friends boyfriend or crush.


That's the rules, stay tuned for the candidates...