I Just Have To Tell You...

What he says/what his penis means...


Men are like appliances - you need detailed instructions to help figure them out.

At the end of the first date, a man will generally use one of these three basic lines:

1. 'I'll call you.' You will never hear from him again.

2. 'I had a really nice time.' He'll call you next week if nothing more interesting is happening.

3. 'What are you doing tomorrow?' He wants you to know if he can stay over tonight.

'We're seeing each other.' Its down to you and the other woman.

He calls you 'girlfriend'. You've made him breakfast, he fixed your car and his friends are not allowed to come on to you.

'I only had a few beers.' I had more than one and less than 50.

'I really like you.' I think I'm falling in love but if I say that word there's no going back.

'I need some space.' I'm about this close to dumping but I haven't quite worked up the nerve to do it yet.

'I'd love to take you to paris' I really want. Have sex with you

'She's just a friend.' She is/was/hopefully one day soon will be my girlfriend.

'My ex won't stop calling me.' I'm not over my ex.

'It was a mutual thing' (talking about why his last relationship ended). She dumped his sorry ass!!!!!

'We haven't spoken in forever and I've been thinking about you.' I haven't had sex in almost three months (did someone say a 'booty call?')

'This is our third date isn't it?/Is it warm out or just me?/You think its true what they say about oysters?' I. W.A.N.T S.E.X

'You're incredible' (said straight after sex). Hint hint I want you to boast about how much better I was compared to your ex.

'You're incredible' (said any other time). You're incredible...

 Ok so you've followed the rules and he's done too many things off key...

How to make sure he knows you know so he WON'T call again...


1. Tell him about your ex, who left you for your best friend. But he's been trying to win you back ever since... (If he still sticking around) Then...

2. Go on about how much the break up messed you up, and that you even had to go through therapy to get to a 'forgiving place'. (He's still calling?)


3. Mention how your mum is desperate to see you married with children. (If he still aint left town)

4. Let drop how your ex had a restraining order put out on you for stalking (add a disclaimer here that you were just out shopping.) If he's still hanging around...

5. If he still seems interested, its time for drastic measures: tell him that you always follow your horoscopes advice, and that currently it says that you should s celibate for six months to clear out all the 'evil demons'


Guaranteed: he'll be calling the bill before you've finished you main course and ordered desert...

IF THIS STILL DONT WORK YOU NEED TO STAY WELL AWAY FROM THIS ONE! HE SPELLS D.A.N.G.E.R.O.U.S

My mating game! I am actually my own worst enemy! Where are all the alpha males at?!?! I can't be going wrong, its not like... Ahhhh we won't get into that... Anyway, so I'm starting to get a bit fed up of this dating nonsense stuff right, so I decided to have a bit of fun and do a new blog topic 'Men In The City - My Quest To Find The Perfect Man' Yes I've actually decided to blog my journey to finding Mr Right (thats if he exists). So in this chapter I thought I'd layout some... Well some sort of guidelines for my self, unoe Dos and Don'ts. Think of it like a game show, and all the contestants have to go through a phyco analyst ( Well I need to make sure they ain't Mental) a bit like the weakest link, but I'm Ann Robinson...


So I'm fine tuning my radar and making sure I stay well away from these lot, this is my fool proof guide to sizing a guy up in one date. Not that I'm one to take advice from I'm the one looking but anyway...


Freaks

- He says I remind him of his mother. Tempting because he'll watch chick flicks with me, but I'm slowly backing towards the door, carefully turning the handle and running like hell!!!!!

- Confirmed Dudes, Question? Do I really wanna spend my time on a guy that crushes beer cans against his forehead?

- The Prince Charming, so its your first date and he already has made up that he wants to move in with me, get married, have six kids and live in a the country with the horse, goats, sheep and roosters! I'm sorry but I'm gonna be checking that guys passport, visa, I'd card, birth certificate and making he's valid to work in this country, let alone working! Man better be able afford his own place before he starts to try tail bumping mine!

- Any guy who comes my way and trys to claim that he's backed up is a no go, no way jose! He's just interested so he can release and dump his shit on me! No way!

- The Penis enlargers! They are the only sparkly things that will ever come my way, and I can guarantee they will only stay on his neck

- E-Males, no way do I need a guy spilling out his feelings to me on Blackberry Messenger but when its face to face he goes more fridged than the Virgin Mary, great if I need a long distance relationship but not when you live 20mins away...

- Morning Afters, if they look bad when I'm sober they are gonna look even worse when I have a hangover...

- PG Rating lover, probably the greatest thing since sliced bread if it was like what the 1900's? Ok so he gorgeous, good personality all that mumbo jumbo... But I think I need a little more than a partner to watch Will and Grace With...

- Mascara Men, I do not need a guy running at the first sign of emotion! Nuhuh! Nope! Girls! You'll have your period (Yes, I said it! PERIOD!) And he'll be permanently out the door...

- The Man-Boy, the guy loves to do crazy things like whisk me away mid week for a romantic week night or whatever. Excite me with charm and golden leaves and glitter... FOR ABOUT 2 MONTHS! Then ill start to get irritated by his zero responsibility (spot via via stock phrases like 'all righty' and 'you go it', which he uses even when you ask a serious question like, 'Could you get an AIDS test?)

- And let's not forget to mention the man who talks about his Ex-girlfriend - LONGINGLY which makes you pose the question why are you here?.


Creeps

- He asks me to lunch instead of dinner - Taken Vs Not all that interested

- He says, 'I'm not looking to get serious.' TRANSLATION: I want to stop cutting holes out of buy one get one free melons and try the real thing once in a while OTHER TRANSLATION: I want sex. And saying this means he doesn't have to worry about how i feel because, in his mind, he is being truthful.

- When you get together for our first date, he tried to shove his tongue down my throat as a hello peck. Unless you want me to show you how my gag reflexes work and bring up my: salad with vinaigrette dressing and ripe cherry tomatoes, lamb chops with mash potatoes and wilted spinach, and new york cheese cake all over you then I suggest you keep that thing where god put it. Not SEXY!

- Eurocreeps I guarantee you he'll dump me for someone younger and skinnier when I hit 30.

- Deceptionists ( Once he shows his true self - in a bout 3 months - I will: 1. Wonder what I ever had in common with the guy, 2. Get angry that I wasted so much time on him, 3. Waste even more time trying to ferret out about what was lies and what was truth)

- Pig Pecker Man - the more I take care of him, the less interested he will probably be...

- He whines at the crucial moment, 'Do we really need to use a condom? I really hate them!' FAAAAAAAACK OFFFFFFFF!!!!

- Anyone in Prison, Pen Dates - not a good look.

- Tweenies, Yes he maybe a walking chemistry set of sexiness but he still has the mentality of a 13 year old.


Freelancers

- He has trouble ordering an entree at the restaurant (or even picking a restaurant) and figuring out if he wants to walk or take cab. The guy buckles under the weight of making any decision - including whether he wants a full time girlfriend or a casual relationship.

- Male sluts, well the just do it for the sex, no go!



The untouchables


The guys that I say are off limits! OFF LIMITS!!! That's for a one night stand, cheat or anything more than a drink in a public place!

- His Best Friend
- Any close member of his family
- Your boss's significant other
- Your sisters boyfriend
- A casual friend or co workers ex, who wants to be seen as the 'Other Woman'
- A friends fuck buddy
- Your best friends boyfriend or crush.


That's the rules, stay tuned for the candidates...

Anyway, I know its been a while since I've written about my 'Question Mark Guys' but I've had to have a good think about what and who I talk about seeing as I still sort of talk to a majority of them and the EPIC ERROR is that they all read my blog. LOL though i must tell you that 'Question Mark Guy #1' read my blog and said he found it funny until he got the the story about him and he wasnt impressed LMAO!!!! So yeah thats that basically Oh well! i thought it was halirious when he told me he had read it and that he was offended by it. ahhhh GOOD TIMES GOOD TIMES... well he dont wana chat to me no more but i aint that fussed. I had a good chat with my boss yesterday about my blog, and he said be careful with what I write and with my care and consideration I've got a guy for you. He's a bit dopey so I don't think he'll be reading my blog anytime soon.


Question Mark Guy #3
Profile Name: Pretty Ricky
Age: 23 I think but ermmm age aint nothing but a number right?!?!

(Hidden Note: not that you care thought I'd put in that I'm listening some cool tunes right now, so I got my playlist in shuffle. Current song - Marvin Gaye - Let's get it on)

So 'Let Me Get On' with the story... Now let me set the scene for you, its a few weeks ago and I'm at the Indigo2 to see Rick Ross perform. This was actually a madness coz the line for this event was round the CORNER of the CORNER of the CORNER... Basically it was long, very long! LMAO! They were madly searching people at this event its was crazy! They had all the airport, xray scans and all sorts. There was about 20 of us all together and a bit of a madness happened with the tickets with someone else (which I'm not gonna go into) but long story short it was CRAZY!!!! Now, lining up was quite entertaining I must say! A few of the guys we were with (lol I'm not saying who but you know who you are) got to the xray scanning machine thingy and well got kicked right back out coz the had weed on them! Hahahahaha I'm sorry love but that is funny!

(Currently listening to Flo rida - Apple bottom jeans and I've just missed my stop at camden to get on the line Via Bank coz I wernt paying attention so I've got off at Euston instead and now I have these camel toe slow walking people in front me like I haven't got somewhere to be... )

Anyway so the guys go home or out or where ever they went, well they didn't stay in the O2. My battery ran out and I needed to call someone so I ask the guy on the bench just opposite the indigo2 if he had a blackberry and guess? what he did! Woop woop! I asked him if I could borrow his battery and he looked at me as if to say... well actually he did say 'what! Nahhhh! Allow dat! The blackberry takes like 15mins to load when you take the battery out' lol now this is kinda true, but I fluttered my eyelashes and said 'please?' (as you do... Right girls?) And he gave the battery to me. Coincidently the guy was friends with Lightning, Ghett's Cousin who was also sitting on the bench. Long story short, I made the phone call then the guy goes to me you've had my battery can I have your number LMFAO! (Being honest) I gave him my business card and kept it moving... Now I've got into the venue and I bumped into a few people, Ghetts, GFrsh, JMC, Sincere, the whole shebang, crew whatever we all bumped into each other you get the drift right?

Anyway I go up stairs to thngs row to see all my friends and I start to get my mojo on and don't really pay much attention to the show, which is what usually happens.




FASTFORWARDING....djksndjdbkjnfdfdjkjfdfcbfdskskiddrncnfosmxcjedfdbnjdfdfcd...

The event has finished and I'm about to say bye to everyone and walk to the lift, when this tunk looking figure pulls my hand and just when I'm about to do a Mz Bratt 'who do you think you are?' he goes, *In a American Voice* 'hey man, how are you? I've been watching you all night (slightly creepy), I see you talking to people man, I like your aura your vibe man (aura? What are we? Hippies? Who still uses that word?), I'd like to get to know you abit more, (yes it doesn't stop there he does keep talking!) I haven't spoken to a girl all night man, your my first, you can even ask my guy man, your so nice, I'm just looking after Rick Ross tonight (OK so my ears opened when I heard Rick Ross) and I wanna get your number man, what's your name man?' taking a breather obviously saying everything he wanted to say, I paused thinking has he not established that I'm a girl? I go my names Zanna, and he goes 'ah man that's such a nice name man, you look really nice so can I get your number man?' Now in my mind I'm saying say 'man' one more time!!!! And see what happens! But if he didn't say Rick Ross then I would have walked off long time ago, now I don't really care about Rick Ross it was more of the work that I was thinking about... Anyway so yeah I gave him my business card (I LOVE MY CARDS HA!) and said bye then walked off to my girls...

(Sorry to cut the story but some FINE guy has just walked on the bus, a mixed race brother *sigh* that's my eye candy for today ...oh current song - JSB - Good girl)

I weren’t on going to the after party so I just went home, charged my phone and when I switched it on guess who I had miss calls and texts from already??? TONY!!! EAGER or what!!!! Lmao!!! Anyway, I went to bed coz I couldn't be bothered to deal with him, I mean come on I left him like 2 hours ago!

( Lol I'm now on my way home from work....Currently listening to Mz Bratt - I like you, and there is this nice guy standing behind me at this wood green bus stop LMAO! I make myself giggle *cough* carrying on)

So Tony calls me everyday for a week after that and he goes he wants to take me out so I pulled the 'ill check my diary' flex and text him when I'm free next week...
So anyway we meet up and he goes he wants to take me to see a film that's already out, so I was like ok and we went to go see 'shottas' at some cinema that well plays films that are already out, the cheap fool! do you know that it was only £3.50 for the cinema ticket!!!! lmao! what a cheap date!!!!. Now I got the jist of this film, which was a film with bob marleys son in it and it was about Jamaican gangsters... THAT’S IT! And you know what? At the end of the film that's still all I knew! The guy would not shut the fuck up!!! He kept giving me a running commentary of what was coming up next in the film! It was mad annoying!!! And when he told me and the bit he was talking about came up I didn't understand it coz I was too busy tryna ignore him in the cinema and watch the film. And then this is him 'are you listening to me? What? Lmao! I'm tryna watch the film you eeeeediat!!! Anyway he goes look at this bit! Watch this bit its so funny then he'll laugh and I'm like what the hell are you laughing about? Can you not see my eyes pon the screen?!?! What did you think I came cinema for? The seating? You? Nahhhh mate! I did not come cinema for you! I came the film so why are you telling me to watch it when that's what I've been tryna do?!?! *sigh* anyway as if Mr Narrator couldn't get any worse he's tryna tell me a story about his boy in New York and how he loves this film so much. WHY!?!?! I don't care!!!! It actually felt like I was being constantly bugged throughout the film well... Correction... I was! Putting it into perspective for you, Have you ever watched TV at a stupid time in the night like 4 or 5am and you turn over to watch something and its got this little narrator person in the corner for deaf people to understand what going on, on the TV? But got so occupied with watching what the person in the corner of the TV is doing that you end up not paying much attention to the programme so you’re left a bit clueless? NO? WELL I DO THAT SOMETIMES... Ok what about this? Did you used to watch looney toones? You know the looney toon where you have a road runner and a coyote? And the coyote is always tryna get this road runner but he never gets it? I felt like that coyote boi! I was so frustrated!

Anyway after the film he continues talking and I'm thinking could there possible be that much to talk about after your rant in the cinema? Well he's telling me all this nonsense that he parties with the 'stars' and how he looks after Rick Ross, Paris Hilton, Lil Wayne and all the other peeps that come over here and showing me pictures like he's some kinda groupie (not a good look! but you pay £7 for 2 people at the cinema? shatttup!!!!) and I'm thinking and feeling quite dumb 'OOOOOOOOOH YOUR JUST ANY PROMOTOR!!! MINOR!!!! YOUR NOT THAT INTERESTING FOR ME TO TOLERATE YOU ANYMORE!' Then he goes to me did you enjoy it? And I blatantly go to him 'YOU DIDNT EVEN GIVE ME A CHANCE TO WATCH IT!' I was so pissed off! There is nothing worse than someone that doesn't know when to just shut the hell up! Lol its annoying me just thinking about it! So after the cinema and our slight awkward silence he goes to me can I kiss you? And I sort of paused as in to think who asks if they can kiss someone that's a bit odd but please don't! So this is me pretending I didn't quite hear what he was talking about 'what? Sorry I didn't hear you' then he goes *in his american accent* 'come on man can I kiss you? Then he goes where do you like to be kissed? Where's your weak spots? (WEAK SPOTS??? WHAT ARE YOU ON MATE!?!?!) Do you want me to kiss you down there?' Oh yeah!!! He pulled a Pretty Ricky on me in the middle of the west end!!!! I was actually shocked!!! SHOCKED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Sorry to cut the current song is Ginuwine - One Time For Love, that a good song!!! Oh but now its actually just changed to Pretty Ricky - Ill Get You Right looool that's what I thought! I found it funny too when we are on the subject! Ha!)

Not surprised though coz me and my friends had a discussion like this about guys, but I was just shocked that he was so open about it! And especially to someone you've known for like 5minutes. This is me 'YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO I think you need a cold shower!!!!!!' That's a bit much for me to take in after you made me sit in the cinema to watch a film that I didn't even get to watch properly coz you were talking all the way through it then he goes to me smiling 'well I can make it up to you we can go hotel I know the owners!' This is me actually feeling a bit space invaded, 'I don't think so love!' Then he goes 'Man I like you man, I feel me and you can work something out, I wanna be with you man, I wanna get with you man, can I do that?' I'm thinking is this guy on drugs??? Has he been smoking? Taking pills instead of popcorn? Then I go 'Look I'm not in the position to be in a relationship right now (BAIT LIE), I'm just concentrating on working.' Anyway to cut the story short he tried to convince me and I just said that I don't know him very well, like I don't know him from Adam and that I'm not prepared to go out with someone that I don't know let alone with someone at all' then he goes 'cool baby girl well holla at me when you want though, I'm here.' Lol I go cool but that's defo not what I was thinking... 30mins later I go to him I have a meeting *cough at home* and ill speak to him later and when I got on the train I actually just laughed...

Well he still calls me but I air the calls as you do and well that concludes my 'Question Mark Guy 3'

Conclusion? O2? Not a good place to me an ungassed up guy...

P.S. Lol I’d laugh if my boss reads this ha!


LOL

Stay Tuned!!!!!